Weird News This Week
Or, you know, you could always scare him or her away with how creepy you sound. Either way, these are bound to be great conversation starters:
Kristin and Robert—I mean, Bella and Edward—aren’t the only vampires getting married. A famous Swedish vampire is marrying a fellow murderer, a cannibal. Both were institutionalized for murdering parents of multiple children, so you know they’re just going to be a charming couple! The latter even ate his victim, who was also his girlfriend. Hopefully they won’t eat each other during the Honeymoon. Or maybe they will and save the rest of us from being listed on the menu.
Another birth control recall has been issued—this time, for about a million pills that were packaged wrongly. This writer’s own contraceptives were included; yikes! Once again, the placebo pills were placed in the wrong week. Is there a conspiracy to get women pregnant happening in this country? I’d be inclined to say yes if all I watched were Republican debates. Anyway, this is definitely something you want to tell your date if you plan on having sex without condoms tonight—which is, obviously, already not a great idea unless you do want to make a mini you together.
You can live without a heart or a pulse! No joke! A man on his deathbed was recently saved by a completely mechanical device that allows him to live sans a heart or pulse. It’s too bad that we’ll probably destroy this planet before the technology is developed enough to spread widely and allow people to live forever.
For those of you interested in weird animal news, like flocks of birds dying simultaneously or frogs falling from the sky, here’s a story for you: About 200 dead walruses were recently, mysteriously spotted in Alaska. Some say it might have simply been a stampede; so far, there is no evidence supporting any involvement of Sarah Palin.
If your date is a conservative, you might want to keep this bit of news to yourself: A study has linked being conservative—or racist or prejudice; these terms are often interchangeable—to having a low IQ. While progressives are having a field day with this, some conservatives—particularly the religious-based ones in the bible belt—seem to be using the story as an example of pride. Their love of god, some tell me, is far superior than “liberal elitism,” whatever that means, and however that is related. I suppose that serves as further proof…