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Gosh, when Ryan Anderson and Clint Nageotte hit the rotation we won't have room for that Meche guy.  :-)
Sorry, in fun.  Actually, although it doesn't maximize his value, Ackley is accomplished at first base.  Ichiro in his late 30s might be used differently.  No one is locked into the DH role.  Seems to me like there are enough moving parts.
I think you're right that Ackley would be Biggio-ish ("Biggionic?") at 2b, but Z doesn't seem to want to go there, and I think that's fine -- mainline the guy's bat into the lineup 'cause that's where it's needed. 
Also a quibble: Ackley has better wheels than most of your comps.  19-of-25 SB in 68 games not by accident.  Watch the video.
A lefty Edgar with speed? What is that if not a poor man's Gwynn?  Then I looked at Abreu's stats in his prime.  Whoa.  I had no idea he ran off a string of seasons like that without a whiff of an MVP or superstardom.