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Criteria: A) Should intimidate. B) Sports-relevant C) Locally relevant D) Historical relevance E) Alliteration F) Uniqueness
1. New York Yankees. -- Maybe it's because I'm a southerner. But, these guys killed thousands and burned entire states.
2. Pittsburgh Pirates. -- Thanks to Cary Elwes and Johnny Depp, not as scary as they used to be. But, shouldn't they routinely lead the league in steals?
3. Detroit Tigers. -- Which live mascot would you least like to be locked in a cage with?
4. Arizona Diamondbacks. -- So, how does "Padres on a Plane" strike you as a scary movie title?
5. Atlanta Braves. -- The warrior tribes were waay scary. Originally, they were Boston Braves, so they get a point for alliteration.
6. Cleveland Indians -- Those classic western heroes wouldn't seem so brave if they'd been facing the Oompa Loompas.
7. Texas Rangers. -- The "Lone" Ranger wanted an Indian for added protection.
8. San Francisco Giants. -- Thanks to Andre and Hagrid, more cuddly than scary these days.
9. Oakland Athletics. -- Yeah, it's lame -- but at least conjures some level of sports competence.
10. Seattle Mariners -- The Trident is critical. If you're not really scary - at least be armed.
11. Colorado Rockies. -- Not so much scary, as big. But certainly, locally relevant.
12. Florida Marlins. -- It may be a fish - but it's one that takes a man multiple HOURS to reel in.
13. Tampa Bay Rays. -- In 2008, a woman was killed when a Stingray jumped out of the water and struck her in a freak boating accident. That was also the year Tampa made the World Series. Believe it ... or not.
14. Houston Astros. -- There was a time when astronauts were THE great American heroes. Not intimidating, so much as heroic.
15. Philadelphia Phillies. -- Only plus is alliteration, really. But, horses can be intimidating, though having a nickname homonym for your all-male sports team alluding to female horses is more embarassing than anything else.
16. Washington Nationals. -- Would rank lower, except the homonym here is Gnats, which at least are pesky and annoying, even if not intimidating.
17. Minnesota Twins. -- I think blonde co-ed sisters chewing gum. Which can be very intimidating. But, they are at least as often refered to as the Twinkies -- a sweet, soft, yummy treat -- easily devoured.
18. Los Angeles Dodgers. -- Trolley Dodgers? So, we're lauding the ability to NOT get run over in traffic?
19. New York Mets. -- The Metropolitans. Well, the other famous "Mets" are the Opera House and the Museum. Might as well have called them the Crooners and be done with it.
20. Milwaukee Brewers. -- Most sports fans like beer. Fine. But, would the "staggering drunks" be intimidating?
21. Baltimore Orioles. -- The only thing that keeps the bird nicks from being lower is the Hitchcock classic.
22. Toronto Blue Jays. -- Birds aren't naturally scary, and none of the trio of bird names is even a scary bird, (Hawk, Eagle, Vulture).
23. St. Louis Cardinals. -- But, they're pretty and they whistle sweetly.
24. Chicago Cubs. -- They got to choose their nick more than a century ago, before all the good names were taken. And they choose to be the cuddly stuffed toy every 5 year old slept with? They DESERVED to lose a centuries worth of World Series.
25. Kansas City Royals. -- There was a period where Royalty was feared. But, since American Democracy kicked the snot out of English Imperialism. In the modern world, Royals are impetent figureheads who are just fodder for tabloid ridicule. At least it's a nickname that fits.
26. Cincinnati Reds. -- Sorry, but laundry is not intimidating. At least Cinci dropped the "legs", and for awhile Communism was the biggest fear in America, just not anymore.
27: Boston Red Sox. -- Fluff and fold.
28: Chicago White Sox -- The least scary footwear -- the "Pale Hose". These nicks stink ... darn it.
29. San Diego Padres. -- The only thing worse than a non-intimidating, non-sports, non-historical, non-alliterative name, is one that is actually ANTI-intimidating. It's not only a calm, spiritual guide -- it also can be slang for buddy, (from compadre). We don't want to compete. We just want to be your friends.
30. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. -- The stupidity of the city name costs points. Originally, the LA Angels, they moved OUT of the City of Angels to Anaheim. But, Angels go beyond Padres in the realm of "niceness" factor. Oh, isn't she an Angel? It means something that is completely cute, cuddly, and utterly harmless. (Even a Padre might rap your knuckles with a ruler occasionally). Archangel would've been a different story, of course.