In the northern western part of the important areas of Middle Earth there is a place called Rohan. The King of Rohan, Theoden, is enchanted into stupefaction by a bad advisor named Wormtongue and sits idly by while his kingdom is ravaged by Orcs and various other subhumans from the South. In the Middle of the tale, Theoden wakes from his stupor and declares war on all of his enemies, but his inaction has taken a terrible toll on his citizenry and it is unclear until the end whether his call to arms is too little too late. The crown prince of Rohan is the nephew of Theoden, Theodred, who fights all the important battles, and is the people's champion, but is run somewhat ragged and is not supported by upper management.
So, We have the Mariners more or less described to a tee up to the point of The Two Towers, Book 3, Chapters 5-6. Theoden is Mariners' upper management, the ravaged citizenry is us fans, and Theodred the crown prince is King Felix. But in Middle Earth parlance, this far you can go, but no further. The rest of the Mariner tale needfully veers far off LOTR script.
Here goes: Theoden awakes from his stupor and sets about reinforcing his bedraggled Rohirrim (what he calls his army) for battle. His advisers tell him to enlist the aid of elvish archers (FA pitching) as well as some dwarfs and the other characters that make up your average Middle Earth army of good guys. Theoden ignores them all and gets on his palantir (a crystal ball) for something completely outrageous.
The most evil kingdom in Middle Earth is Mordor, run by Sauron, a relentless disembodied wizard who wants his ring back. His best fighters are nine ringwraiths, led by the chief ringwraith, the Witch-King of Agmar. This is pretty much the story of the Yankees.
In a remarkable coup detat, Theoden allies himself with the Witch-King of Agmar, promising him a quarter of the gold in his kingdom. Agmar defects. Mordor is devastated by the loss. Sauron retaliates by sending out emissaries taunting Agmar and questioning his work ethic.
The ring has been taken by force from the hobbits of the shire (Cardinals from pastoral Missouri), to Gondor, a port city run by men (Boston). Mordor and Gondor prepare for an epic battle for the ring, but Mordor is proving to be weakened by the loss of Agmar. Sauron corrupts Faramir, Gondor's greatest warrior, and turns him into the new captain of the Ringwraiths. Gondor scoffs, and notes that Faramir is great in battle, but he spends large amounts of each tale injured. (Faramir is Jacoby Ellsbury).
With Agmar and Theodred in the fold, Theoden declares war on everyone in his own quest for the ring. Agmar recommends that Theoden hire more mercenaries if he wants to compete for control of Middle Earth. Theoden ignores him. Agmar then takes matters into his own hands, and turns some of the more promising Rohirrim warriors into wraiths by piercing them with a morgul blade (Cano teaching youngsters the screen drill). As the young Rohirrim transform into wraiths, it is unclear whether their transformation is actually an improvement.
Agmar and Theodred win a decisive battle against Saruman in the South. Saruman is the ruler of Orthanc and is a most evil wizard masquerading as a good guy (This is the Angels). but Agmar and Theodred can't seem to rid the borders of Rohan of orcs. The Rohan braintrust then hatch a daring plan to invade the orc den and gain control of Western Middle Earth.
Agmar and the Rohirrim overcome the stench of the orc den, and win initial hard fought victories. Then Theodred, who is something of an orc specialist, prepares his sword, the orcencleave, for an epic onslaught the likes of which will be told in the tongues of men and elves for generations to come. (Today's battle when Felix strikes out 22 orcs with his changeup).
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