Q. Why a kerfuffle of this magnitude, though?
A. During the six minutes in which the ball was rolling through the infield, my 18-year-old son was literally open-mouthed. "This is like Little League," he gasped, deliberately ruling out Pony League and high school for comp purposes.
I turned to him and said, quote, "now THAT is the play that gets a manager fired right after the ballgame." Serious as a heart attack. Truth on SSI, babe, this was a manager-busting visual.
Sho nuff, next half-inning they were advising us that there had been a scuffle in the dugout, involving the manager...
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Q. So what's the game wrap in the dugout?
A. Here is Dr. D's best Columbo reconstruction of what occurred following. I reserve the right to change it 180 degrees tomorrow night. If anybody from inside wants to correct us, we'd be delighted. Coefficient of confidence = 0.85:
1. Vargas somehow escaped the third base, nobody out situation with a tie intact. (Vargas, oddly, was behaving as though he were in a regulation American League stadium during a regularly-scheduled American League baseball game with 44,000 ... um, 24,000 people in the stands.)
2. As the Mariners came off the field, Lopez and Figgins chuckling (so to speak) ...
3. Wakamatsu, strictly but nicely, met Figgins and told him that he'd have to be taken out of the game.
4. We interrupt your regularly-scheduled Terms of Service because the following is a necessary quotation.
4a. The most-comparable player to Figgins' response comes up as, "What the (*#$#@ are you busting my #@#$ for? Why don't you bust eighteen other *#(@#*$'s a*#(@ for this @#(*&$? First you got me hitting nine and now you're all over my #$@#$ for this #$@## and #@"#$@# ....
5. Wakamatsu, at long last, snapped something sharp at Figgins, indicating that Wakamatsu is the boss.
6. Figgins -- catastrophically breaking code about lipping to your manager in a major league dugout -- refused to yield, and continued to ramp it up.
6a. Lopez stepped between Wakamatsu and Figgins, ostensibly as peacemaker -- but with some phrase or other, in effect empowered Figgins and castrated Wakamatsu.
7. Russell Branyan hulked over and, properly, told Figgins and Lopez to sit down while they were still capable of voluntary movement. (Russell Branyan and Milton Bradley are the two Mariners who could MMA tomorrow night, in an octagon or in a dugout. Alligator wrestling is also relevant in these idea exchanges, so you'll notice that Branyan and RRS were top cops.)
8. Lopez snapped back, speaking for all of the inmates.
9. Russell, speaking for the asylum staff, stepped forward to adjust Lopez' attitude.
10. Fifteen guys, very concerned about that Spyders' loss record if their infield were to get launched 150 feet x 430 feet into the right-center bleachers, intervened, demonstrating that they reacted to Branyan's body language with Saw IV-level anxiety.
11. Justin Smoak floundered desperately for a course of action that would not alienate anybody.
12. Somebody was on the cell phone to Zduriencik as the "inning" was under way. We assume that it wasn't Smoak.
13. Jack Zduriencik was on the cell phone to a wholesaler. Maalox, Nuprin, and Sominex, by courier.
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Q. And then?
A. Wakamatsu put Josh Wilson in and immediately, Wilson smacked a ringing double the next inning. If you have to ask the dugout effect of that double, you wouldn't understand.
;- )
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Part 4
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