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Are you kiddies too young to remember Steve Martin and Darryl Hannah in "Roxanne"? My fave scene is the one in the restaurant where the heavy calls him, sneeringly, "Big Nose." Now, the casting of Kevin Nealon as the heavy is a POTD all unto itself, a little bit like casting Jesse Chavez as the Mariner-killer, but let's not get sidetracked.
Last setup FOR the kids, Cyrano de Bergerac is a person who can do absolutely everything in the world well, but has a banana for a nose. Sort of one cup "Limitless" meets two tablespoons "Mask" with "Gandhi" liberally sprinkled on top. Percy Harvin type, one and exactly one flaw. Which is prohibitive. Or Jose Bautista might go in this category. Obviously Steve Clevenger.
The reason the "Big Nose" scene works is 'cause --- > Steve Martin brazenly lays out his comedy method right in front of the audience. This is not unlike David Criss calling a crowd up and explaining all his magic tricks.
"You've got THIS to work with and all you can come up with is 'Big Nose'?" replies Martin to the bully, continuing with ...
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C.D. Bales: [challenged to think of twenty jokes better than "Big Nose"] Let's start with...
Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming.
Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us.
Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late!
Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear!
Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away.
Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's IN IT that matters.
Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle!
Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95!
Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo.
Melodic: Everybody. He's got... [stops and punches Nealon into next week with a dark look on his face]
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Not that Dr. D is going to give up the two websites he shamelessly rewrites 'witticisms' from. As you know, we live to serve, but not so's we stop living.
Ten reasons the M's might pick up Ryan Weber, young journeyman RHP?
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Obvious: 'Scuse me, but does a guy with a 1.5 walk rate provide a nice "stoploss" for a team that just had twenty different pitcher injuries?
Meteorological: I have it on good authority that a 20.0% homer/fly rate is less likely in Seattle than in Atlanta
Envious: We stop Billy Beane from cornering the market on CTL ratios with 89 MPH fastballs
Personal: You and me and the eye levels make three, sez JeDi (check the video)
Naughty: demurely, Dr. D waves off the suggestion he is capable of naughty. Well, okay, the dweeby M's stat crew probly noticed that Weber's xFIP is an outlier compared to his ERA. Could be this is just a little yellow sticky note like when Brad Pitt asked Jonah Hill for a name in trade in four seconds
Philosophical: Well, if we were drafting up roto squads and Jerry Dipoto whispered "take Ryan Weber" we would vigorously nod our heads twelve inches top to bottom OH YEAH OH YEAH
Humorous: demurely, Dr. D declines to plagiarize a single further quip
Commercial: Hi, I'm Jerry Dipoto and I can raise that floor at minimum wage!
Polite: Just think how glad we are Wade Miley's beard is gone. We mean it in a good way
Melodic: :: out of character :: did Steve Martin's method list really stretch THIS deep?
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Well ... it's kind of melodic, or at least harmonious, to tie in The Founding Father's thoughts. He has a Tommy John Family of Pitchers, guys who walk 1+ and don't beat themselves, good pickoff moves, hard work and dubious baseball faces. He has them as being BETTER than expected when surrounded by good players (and ballparks), and WORSE than expected when surrounded by complete losers like they have on the Braves. (See Polite method vector)
Easy enough for Dr. D to imagine Ryan Weber getting a few outfield flies caught on the warning track and him going 7-4, 3.38. For me Micah Owings was more "less," but Ryan Weber is more "more." There, you can guess where we pinched that one from.
Or not,
Jeff
He only seems to have 1 bad pitch, a cutter he rarely throws. The curveball is a legit weapon and his slider looks pretty good. As depth for the rotation (apparently he still has 1 option remaining,so why was he waived?) he seems like a solid addition. His repertoire could even play up in the pen.
That's what I see, anyway.
The Mariners have announced the claim of lefty Dean Kiekhefer off waivers from the Cardinals. Seattle now has four open spots remaining on its 40-man roster.
Kiekhefer, 27, debuted last year for the Cardinals, but didn’t impress in his 22 frames. He allowed 13 earned runs with a 14:7 K/BB ratio over that span while averaging just 88 mph with his fastball. Right-handed hitters mashed against the soft-tossing southpaw, though he did limit opposing lefties to a .209/.261/.326 slash. Presumably, Seattle has thoughts of possibly using him in a LOOGY role.
Cubs center fielder Dexter Fowler will decline his half of a $9MM mutual option and re-enter the free-agent market.
Would love to have him. But prepare to pony up if we're bringing him here.
Fowler still has that QO. I pass.
On the other hand, how about this idea/dream: What if Nintendo/Lincoln (who still have a stake) and Stanton are working hard to get Hokkaido Fighters to post Shohei Otani? Is that why DiPoto exercised Smith's option - he's going to play LF on the days Otani pitches? Servais will put Otani in the rotation, let him play in the OF on other days and voila! Both the LF and rotation problems solved. OK, Otani is a LH bat (RH pitcher), so maybe Heredia is the alternate LF. But a .322/.416/.588/1.004 NPB slash line ought to translate over to MLB just fine, while a 1.86 ERA and 0.957 WHIP would seem to promise some help in the rotation as well. MLB needs a 2-way player! And if Stanton *really* wants a championship, finding enough spare change to sign Otani would be a good start. No draft pick lost, no cost in prospects - just a $20M posting fee and a VERY large contract. But flags fly....
I am not sure there's any team that would play him in the OF and rotation. An NL team probably would at times. We could waive the DH on his days at a minimum. He hasn't played the OF regularly since he was 19, instead DHing when he isn't taking the mound. Heh, he started a game this year at DH and came in to relieve hitting an NPB record 165 KPH (102.5 MPH).
$20 Million though? He's 22 and there's probably several teams that think he could be a stud atop their rotation. I mean, sitting 94-97 and clearing 100 is only the beginning of his nasty arsenal. There's probably a few that think he could look good in their OF. I think if there is 1 team that thinks he's the first good 2 way player since Babe Ruth, they would post more than $20 Million. I admit I'd like that to be the Mariners too.
Can't top 20 million.
Also all teams that are willing to pay 20 million are allowed to negotiate.
So that means that you have to give him cash AND good will in terms of player development, etc.
The Dodgers went hard for him when he graduated from high school and they had a vocal agreement that he backed out of at the last minute.
The Ham Fighters are probably one of the more careful teams in the NPB when it comes to pitching, but he's still going to come with a lot of millage on the arm.
Think Darvish.
One of the big reasons he stayed in Japan was that the Fighters offered him to pitch AND hit, which is a great way to make MLB teams mad.
In general, Otani hit a bunch as a DH with a 1000 OPS this year, so it's not the worst thing.
However, that means that AL teams will probably be at a huge disadvantage in general, particularly the M's with two DH-types on the roster for the near future.
Otani will probably end up with the Dodgers or Giants, but the NY teams are also possibilities.