JUST ASK the FOURTH GRADERS
Recently the Seahawks played a wild-and-woolly bare knuckle bash. They lost it in the fourth quarter on a stunning “run for your freedom” scamper down the sideline. We’ll leave it to you to figure out which of the 9games we’re talking about. But we’ll give you a second hint. In this game, there was a play in which the receiver:
- Got two hands on a forward pass
- Took two steps WHILE pivoting away from his quarterback to head toward the enemy end zone
- Was hit by a tackler, just a fraction of a second after he took the second step, while he was shifting the ball to his sideline hand
- Agonizingly, saw the ball jarred loose, fumbling wildly around the field
- Rejoicingly, saw the referees determine this to be an “incompletion” rather than a fumble caused by the hit
- We know, we know, that didn’t narrow the 9 games down any
Then the TV analysts discussed 42 different ways that we might resolve this question, leaving us (a) very open-minded and (b) thoroughly confused. The play was a big reason that the Seahawks lost. One of forty-two reasons, maybe, but still, a big reason.
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SSI IS ABOUT TO DELIVER UNTO YOU ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS YOU WILL EVER HEAR. ARE YOU READY?
Chris Collinsworth called for "a definitive ruling this offseason" as to what IS a catch and what is NOT a catch. "It's not like they've never looked at this before" and still the NFL committee just cannot lay down, legally, what defines a catch.
Dr. D will grok one of his notorious Life Lessons here. As you know, he lives to serve.
Ready?
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(1) The best things in life are free. You are well aware of the one thing that this sentence refers to.
(2) Also: the best things in life can NOT be defined legally. (You are well aware of the one thing this does not refer to, unless you’re a U.S. President parsing words.)
For example, give us, using the comments section, "a definitive ruling" on when a person is in love. Make certain that this definitive ruling is never subject to 2nd-guessing when the two people are reviewed on Emerald Queen Casino Super Slo-Mo.
Or, give us a definitive ruling on when a person passes from "hopeful" to "non goal oriented and suicidal," other than fans viewing the Mariners' 39th season, of course. Give the "definitive ruling" on when an obscure set of baseball ‘net rats have become the best Think Tank in the business. Need a couple more examples? Thought not.
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Here's the Light Bulb.
All you have to do!, is find a group of 30 kids in a 4th-grade class. Have them watch an NFL game. Make sure they don't care who wins -- it's got to be Seattle kids watching a Titans - Jets game. Then when the QB throws a ball and Dez Bryant (we know, we know, Dez probably isn’t on the Tennessee roster as you read this) lunges for the ball and maybe catches it? Have the nice little old lady teacher ask, "Class! Did that player catch the ball and fumble it, or did he drop the pass? Show of hands!" If the kids raise their hands 17-13 to say “Yeah! He caught it!” The rule it a catch.
The 9-year-old kid can tell you whether the player caught the ball? But the NFL cannot? This is absolutely true. Seriously, it is true. And, this tells us that there is a problem here, if the kids are better than the NFL is. And, this is the way much of your life is. The kids know things you do not know, and never will know. Just ask your kid, listen to him, and then totally shut up.
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DELIGHTFUL (or gratuitous, you make the definitive ruling) MARINERS APPLICATION
Steven Goldleaf at BJOL just wrote a tremendous piece on "Who should be on the All-Star team?" He came up with a master’s thesis-worthy analysis. And in the end, he and the other adults could not figure this out “definitively.” But the 4th-graders don't let us down. It’s the year 1935, and you got the bright idea to put an All-Star game together? Just put 30 big league players out onto the field. A child has to be smiling with bright eyes. "Look at all those players on that team! EVERY SINGLE ONE!"
Does Kyle Seager pass that test? (He does not, and by a 26-4 margin in the kids’ show of hands.) Then we know whether Kyle Seager is a star, or whether he isn't.
We weren’t talking about whether we can project a player to 5 WAR next year. We were talking about whether a player was a star.
The Mariners got three stars. You could also argue for a fourth, Hisashi Iwakuma, especially if the kids were voting from Hanshin. (How do we decide this argument, then? Just told you. “Class! Should we include the best Japanese player? Here’s a picture of him!”)
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My thing would be, “Class! Should the Mariners try to be a good team, or should they try to win the pennant?”
Life can be so easy,
Dr D
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